Ever since I was a kid I have always enjoyed going for rides. I often just hop in my car and take off to escape everything. Everyone deserves to be happy, right? Happiness for me is not being stuck. Not feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin and explore. People change, life changes, and sometimes you can’t always escape.
The past six months or so, it’s almost as if this weird feeling has entered my body and does not want to leave. I am not happy. I am not going to sit here and write about how I want to move away and go on that whole spiel like every other eighteen year old does, however. Although I hate it here, I need to repair some things before I go anywhere. Running away doesn’t fix everything, and I am learning that in the hardest way possible.
Rewind to my freshman year of high school. I told my dad that I wanted to move to California. Why California? It was far away and I was desperate to travel and experience new things. I hated Auburn and I wanted to get as far away as possible. With a smile he understood, and promised that he would take me on my first airplane ride and that we would go on vacation so that I could experience what it was like out west. Words couldn’t describe how excited I was to hear this news. Would I be scared? How would it be to ride on a plane? I was overjoyed with excitement. Unfortunately, vacations are hard to pursue when money is tight. I understood that to the best of my ability at fourteen years old, and my dad would take me on mini “day road trips” that were more affordable and reasonable. We would drive in the car and talk for hours. He knew absolutely everything about me. He supported me through everything and anything that I wanted to do. Although I only lived with him part time, I knew that he would always be there whenever I needed him, unconditionally. This was the age that I needed support with a lot of things, and I am so glad that he was always there for me.
My sophomore year started off fabulous. I went in wanting to do my absolute best in school, pushing myself to get straight A’s. I wanted to become a nurse practitioner, despite my fear of blood, and nothing was stopping me. I pushed myself to the point of tears when it came to doing my homework. It was to the point where my mother wanted me to fail a class so that I could be considered normal. My mom was always there to help with school as well as my step dad. They made me do my homework and always praised me for my good grades. They were a great support system, along with my dad, and I felt like a very lucky girl. I never really had an extended family outside of those three, except for my step dads. They always had the best Christmas’s and holiday gatherings. It was such a great feeling to know that I had people there for me.
In the middle of my sophomore year, life hit hard. My dad suddenly was forced to be out of work because of an injury. It took a huge toll on him because he was such an “on the go” guy. I ended up going for my license, and after failing twice finally got it. My parents supported me so much throughout the whole thing and were so excited for me. I wanted a car, and with my dad being out of work, I was in desperate need to get a job. I applied everywhere and I had no luck whatsoever. Then one day I drove down to Subway, filled out an application, and bam! I got a job! My life was going so well and I had never been so excited. The first 3 months of work, I was always nervous to go. My parents drove me there and we would talk and they would always be there to pick me up on time. I had a great system and it was helping me save up for a car. The summer of 2011, however, things changed.
That summer, my support system changed drastically. My best friend at the time was more of like a sister to me than ever before. I basically lived at her house. I would walk to work almost everyday because I didn’t have a car. We talked about everything together and helped each other through the hardest of times. My mom moved out of my step dad’s house, and our relationship slowly deteriorated. My dad and I went from talking almost every hour to talking about once a day. I worked a lot, I loved it, and that was my main focus. I started paying for my own things and supporting myself. It was completely different than from what I was used to. I started experimenting with bad things. I needed a crutch in my life, and I made unwise decisions to try to fill that constant hole that was lingering inside of me.
Two years later and I am where I am now. I went without that definite support system for a while. It has deteriorated me as a person. It’s not like anything tragic happened, but extreme changes did, and that takes a toll on a person. This past christmas really hit me. I spent the majority of it driving around. All I could do was cry. Things had changed so much in the past year and I felt extremely alone. One thing about me that I can’t stand it that I let things eat me up inside. I get quiet and whatever is on my mind or bothering me drills at my brain. I remember going into work that night to do a pull and just crying hysterically. It was Christmas and I was alone. I never pictured myself being in that situation. I just wanted to talk but there was no one to listen. I was confused, overwhelmed, and didn’t know where to turn to.
Someone in my life that I would have never thought would eventually become my best friend noticed my declining attitude toward almost everything. I got pulled aside and for the first time in a while, asked if I was okay. I completely broke down. It was all held inside for so long because the crutches, the people that I went to previously for everything, where no longer there to run to my side. I stood there, in tears. She gave me the biggest hug and told me if I ever need anything, or just needed to talk, that she would be there to listen and not judge me. I didn’t really think much of it considering the past experiences that I had with her, but it felt good to know that someone cared. I needed that bad that day.
I ended up utilizing her more than I ever thought I would need to. She listened, and always gave me advice. It was the advice though that made me have to make my own decisions, not like she was telling me what to do and I liked that. Quickly, she became my “go to girl”.Everything was going to shit in my life rapidly, and she helped me through it all, and still does to this day. Not only has she become my best friend, but she has become like a mother/sister figure as well. I get treated like a part of a family, and I have always really needed that. That may sound stupid because I am 18 years old, but when you have that family like support system it really helps. I could never thank them enough for everything that they have done for me. I got pushed to do well in school, when I wanted to quit. I always have the best times with them, and if I ever needed anything I know that they would always be there. I think if she never would have reached out to me that day, I don’t even want to know where I would be emotionally. The fact that these people, who met me almost a year ago, are always there for me and include me as a part of a family means so much to me. I have never been so grateful in my life and I hope that they know how good of people they are and how much they truly mean to me.
Running away may seem like the answer, but maybe it isn’t. I guess you just have to take life and roll with it because even if it seems like there is no one there for you, there is someone. I feel fortunate enough to have those people in my life.